Bar Stool Review of ORPHAN

From the juiced-box and the movie [Guitar Hero scene]: Cheap Trick - Surrender

And yeah, i know, for all my bragging about movies i get to see before y'all, this one has only just come out in Paris and it was released last summer in the Sates. Now you get why i boast on those rare occasions i get the shot.

Ramblings: M-Orphan Than A Barrel Of Monkeys
Final Proof: 2½ Shots 

You know how you drink with cool kids in their house? They've got these vapid parents and insipid siblings and porcelain knick-knacks that sit bored on the shelf. The music is monotonous and the second hand on the grandfather clock is too tired to budge. The air is dead, the light is dying, the dog is slow, the beer is flat, the gin is swill and the rum is runs of the mill. Still, there's the one kid who's quick as a Zippo, cute as a butt 'n' funny as hell. i mean, the kid's not so great you forget you feel like you're treading water in quicksand but at least you're entertained enough you don't need to drink yourself as unconscious as the wallpaper. Orphan is kinda like that.

i wasn't too terribly impressed by Orphan and i'm gonna blame it on Jaume Collet-Serra, the director. He sets the pace right at the very beginning with a dream sequence and i hate dream sequences. They're a quick cop out to get something exciting going without forcing consequences on anyone. This is just one cheap trick [hey! maybe that's why "Surrender" is in the movie!] Collet-Serra pulls from his bag of cheap tricks. Orphan is a lesson in horror movie directing clichés, from the close ups on the face to the tight shots on the backs so we have no idea what's happening in the room, from snatching back shower curtains to the loud blasts of music telling us when we should be startled. The suspense is efficient, but Jaume breaks no new ground here.

Not to mention the cascade of WTF? moments:

Ooh, i'm in the hospital and i have my I-Phone right here that i just got a call from Estonia on and they told me my daughter is a whackjob serial killer... What should i do? Call the police? No, call my husband, who's at home with the girl. He doesn't answer... Should i call the police now? No, i know, i'll wait until i get dressed and run out of the hospital and find my car in the parking lot and start driving home and then, when i'm speeding down an icy road in a snowstorm, that's when i'll call 911.

WTF!?

But Orphan wasn't a total buzz kill. There was Vera Farmiga doing a more than solid job as Little Orphan Baddie's new mom, Kate Coleman. There was Peter Sarsgaard holding up his end as best he could as Raggedy Brigandy's daddy (and i'd love it if one of y'all could tell me where i know this actor from---yes, i've checked imdb up, down and all over). But man of all mans, Isabelle Fuhrman impressed the hell out of me.

She filmed the part of Esther when she was freaking 11 years old and she owned the role, drove it around and took it to town. She absolutely absorbed all of the intricacies of the character. The part didn't require a lot of range but man, did she go deep. Remember Nathalie Portman in Léon: The Professional? Remember Kirsten Dunst in Interview With A Vampire? Carve it in the bar: We're gonna be hearing as much from Isabelle Fuhrman as we do about those other girls.

Vera Farmiga & Isabelle Fuhrman

Speaking of Isabelle, she's now 12 years old, which means she gets carded here. Nothing age inappropriate going on here.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

Move along, nothing to see here---literally.

Here's the notes i jotted:

• A shot of boys in a tree house looking at a Playboy
• Vera sex scene from the waist up in a bra
• Cool erotic paintings [all over Esther's bedroom walls]

Here's a peek at what Vera Farmiga in a bra looks like...

There's also a silken butterfly, one of those beautiful visions that flit fleetingly across the screen. Lorry Ayers portrays a milf hitting on Esther's father in a playground...

Here's a little one for the ladies (and the undecided):

Drink: 1½ Shots



A quick thumb through my notes:

• Mother is a non-practicing alcoholic
• She doesn't want to go to AA [she quit alone]
• She stops herself from drinking wine [twice]
• Later we learn that she quit after passing out and her daughter fell into a pond [rescued by father]
• Beer at dinner for dad
• Father downs a bottle of wine by himself
• He gets way more [messed] up on one bottle than me

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

On Guitar Hero we get the Cheap Trick above. The other song is "Re-education (Through Labor)" by Rise Against. Here it is for ya.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: David Johnson (screenplay) and Alex Mace (story)

Directed by: Jaume Collet-Serra

Starring

Isabelle Fuhrman - Esther

Vera Farmiga - Kate Coleman

Lorry Ayers - Joyce

Peter Sarsgaard - John Coleman

Bottom Line

See it, just so you can say you saw Isabelle Fuhrman back when...