Bar Stool Review Of SHERLOCK HOLMES

Ramblings: Sherlock Homely

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you drink in strip clubs ? The action is good, the show is nice and the talent is there. You get a few drinks in you, you get a couple lap daces, you get your money's worth of entertainment but then you gotta take a leak and in walkin' back to the bathroom you see it out of the corner of your eyes, you feel it. Once you get away from the show you there's nothing but shadow and smoke: shadows under the curled edges of the tattered carpets and the stale smoke of other strangers' cigarettes. 'Cause at these kind of clubs, they do all right with the show but they ignore the little things that make it real. That's what Sherlock Holmes is like.



Any movie with Robert Downey Jr can never be a total waste. He was born, bred and is now the Mayor of Cool Town. Unfortunately Guy Ritchie hamstrung him by getting sloppy in the little scenes, those little segments that move the story along. We also get a Rachel McAdams who's a little flat, and i'm not talking about her bodice size. Jude Law comes away from this whole thing looking pretty good, though, which made me feel all the worse for Bobby. It's like Guy told Downey Jr to leave his trademark dry wit in the 20th century when coming to make this movie. Oh yeah, 'cause i didn't tell you but this movie is set around 1870 and you know how much period pieces make me burp barf up my nose a little.

Strangely enough, though, the look was the best thing about the film. Shots of the Tower of London under construction, St Paul's titty looming grey in front of a blue metal sky, the wet cobblestone and costumes gave the film a cool sheen. And the action scenes were well-handled, as were those times when Holmes recites an entire person's life after just seeing them for 5 minutes. Nah, my problem wasn't with the big stuff.

Another minor thing i'm gonna rant about, though, is the ending. It's one of those endings that look like a puzzle piece, and not a smooth edge piece, either. The ending was like a piece with a round jobby sticking way out and you can tell just by looking at it exactly what the next piece will look like. And then you realize the puzzle isn't really worth finishing because the picture isn't all that good anyway. The only thing missing from the ending here was a huge lit up orange highway sign that flashed, CAUTION: SEQUEL over and over again.

Like i keep saying, Ritchie overlooked what Holmes never would have: the little things.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

So i wasn't too impressed with Rachel McAdams (31) performance as Irene Adler. Ritchie didn't help things any by only giving her one small shot at a flash while she was changing, but then ruined it by severing her chest with the bottom of the screen.

Still, i invented a drinking game with Rachel McAdams' moles.

The Rachel McAdams Drinking Game

Rules:

1. Whenever you see Mole #1, drink a sip of beer
2. Whenever you see both Moles #1 & #2, take a gulp of beer
3. Whenever you see Mole #3, drink a shot of your favorite hard aclohol
4. Whenever you see Moles #1, #2 and #3 together, drink a shot and a beer chaser

For those who want to see the above picture without all the #s...

Here are the rest of the shots:

Rachel McAdams Drinking With Tom Collins

Playing the role of Mary Morstan, Watson's fiancée, is Kelly Reilly (32).

There was a Silken Butterfly flitting oh so sweetly yet briefly across the screen at the beginning. This is Amanda Grace Johnson (22), who is the Young Woman Sacrifice.

For those of you who prefer Towers to Domes here's Robert Downey Jr (who's fit as hell for 44).

And this is Jude Law, who still knows how to party at 37.

Jude Law Drinking With Tom Collins

Drink: 1 Shot

While alcohol didn't play a big part in the plot, there were quite a few alcohol scenes:

• Holmes gets wine thrown at him after he debriefs Mary during a restaurant dinner with her and Watson
• Holmes hits from a spectator's flask during the boxing match (where we see how truly fit the shirtless (and now sober) Downey Jr really is)
• After he wins the match he grabs a wine bottle from a rack and pulls out the cork with his teeth
• Holmes drinks laced Margaux 1858 with Irene
• Holmes and the captain are drunk on wine while steaming down the Thames
• Holmes takes a drink of something hallucinogenic while performing a satanic ritual
• Lord Coward (Hans Matheson) drinks whiskey neat

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

Yeah, not surprisingly, Holmes didn't rock out. There was a boner during the end credits, though, where Ritchie chose to place "The Rocky Road To Dublin" by the Dubliners. Yeah, English - Irish, it's all the same thing, right?

Tell you what, though, i will give the movie and rock and roll shot for the well-shot action sequences.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Michael Robert Johnson, Anthony Peckham, Simon Kinberg (screenplay)

Lionel Wigram, Michael Robert Johnson (screen story)

Directed by: Guy Ritchie

Starring

Robert Downey Jr - Sherlock Holmes

Rachel McAdams - Irene Adler

Kelly Reilly - Mary Morstan

Amanda Grace Johnson - Young Woman Sacrifice

Jude Law - Dr John Watson

Bottom Line

See it, but only because Susan Downey (Robert's wife that he went on the wagon for) was one of the producers and she was good for Robert. Anything that's good for someone who was good for Robert is gonna be good for you, too.