Bar Stool Review Of THE LOVELY BONES

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: This Mortal Coil (w/ Elizabeth Fraser of The Cocteau Twins) - Song To The Siren [Tim Buckley cover]

[Press 'Play' for ambiance]

Ramblings: [i will not say Lovely Boner, i will not say Lovely Boner, i will not say...]

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink with psychos? i mean, there are psychos and there are psychos. The first kind is no problem 'cause they come in sporting a suit of rotting fish, pick a fight right away and get thrown out faster than you can say "Is that a spoon in your hair or are you missing a shoe?" That's not the kind of psycho i'm talking about here. i'm talkin' about the kind of guy who looks cool and talks cool but every once in a long while he mutters a strange aside that makes you wonder. And the way he looks at you makes you wonder so you get tense and drink less than you wanted 'cause you feel like you gotta be on your guard at all times so this guy doesn't jab cocktail umbrellas into your eye sockets while you're scoping out the young talent surrounding you. He's a weird one all right. Off kilter enough like you're always looking at him through a half-empty bottle and just by existing makes you feel guilty for being human. Yeah, The Lovely Bones is kinda like that.

i gotta say i liked The Lovely Bones. The problem Peter Jackson has is that geeks aren't gonna like this because there aren't any hobbits in it and film buffs are gonna slag it 'cause the dude made three whole freakin' Lord Of The Rings movies and a King Kong to boot. But hell, if you don't know who Peter Jackson is or don't hate on him for having more money than you'll ever see in three lifetimes, then you should see this.

There's a lot here to like. The actors really flesh out their parts, with special props to the young Saoirse Ronan who assures in her role as the murdered teen, and Stanley Tucci who freaked the crap out of me. Also, normally The Bar None is against credit but i'll give it where it's due and tonight it's due to Peter Jackson. He took some risks when filming the nether region and i thought he pulled it off damn well.

For example, it's a well-established fact that i hate movies with violence against women, but the way it's treated here is so suspenseful that it made me kinda sick. Sure, it's an unpleasant sensation but what i'm saying is that he was able to make me feel something rather than just sit there thinking he was an asshole for making a movie about hurting young ladies.

Don't get me wrong, i didn't love everything here. Some of the long passages were long and the movie kinda loses direction a little in the middle. There is one WTF moment that bugged me so much i woulda yelled at the screen if i'd been drunk and plus this is another one of those movies that keeps ending. You think it's over, nope, one more scene. Done? One more ending. Ok? Just one more. It's like that guy at the end of the bar who says he's leaving and is on his third 'last drink'.

Maybe you read the book but i don't read anything longer than bottle labels so i can't compare it to the novel. What i can tell you is that The Lovely Bones is more suspense/thriller than it is a literary film.

Before we move on to the next section---and you knew this was gonna happen so stop your whining---i gotta card Saoirse Ronan (who apparently pronounces her first name SAIR-sheh) 'cause at 15 the babe is really only a babe and, unlike the psycho nut job in the movie, i'm all about age appropriateness in The Bar None. (But check out her eyes! You won't believe me, but Brandi Alexandra has the exact shade of infinity blue in her eyes, too.)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Guess what. No nudity. Yeah, yeah, i know, not my fault. Anyway, with the theme of the movie, any kinda nudity here would be as unwelcome as a stripper at a bris. Which doesn't mean we can't have hot babes, thank goddess.

Case in point, i get to exposé Rachel Weisz just a few days after doing her in Agora.

Starring as Lindsey Salmon, the younger sister, we got New Zealander Rose McIver. Is is just me or is it weird that we got a 22-year-old playing a 15-year-old's younger sister?

Finally, another Kiwi, but this one is a newcomer. Meet Carolyn Dando (21) who plays Ruth, the dark friend who sees dead people. (Clicking the link will take you to her webpage.)

For those of you who prefer bones to tissue, i got some Mark Wahlberg (38) action for ya:

What the h*ll is this?

Now that's more like it!

This here's Reece Ritchie (23):

Drink: 1 Shot

The only character that does any drinking here is Susan Sarandon as the alcoholic grandmother. i'll give her a shot for that but no more 'cause i'm still pissed at her for dumpin' my man Tim Robbins for younger meat. (And i'll apologize profusely and offer you a drink on the house if any of y'all got more time than i do to find out if i got the story wrong.)

• Grandma drinks Jim Beam, brings a fifth to take care of daughter
• Drinks whiskey with ice
• [She drinks from a ] Bottle of Crown Royal (?) in grandson's room; calls booze 'medicine'
• [She] Drinks cooking sherry when she's out of booze
• SS chain smokes

Rock & Roll: 2 ½ Shots

Here's another 'rocker' from the juiced-box and the soundtrack (y'all gotta remember the movie's set in the '70s, k?): Dave Edmunds - I Hear You Knocking



i'm being generous with my shots here, but i got my reasons. There's no real rock here, other than what i've already posted, but the other tunes (Cocteau Twins, This Mortal Coil, Brian Eno) suited the mood. Brian Eno wrote the original music as well and also included "1/1" from Music For Airports. Sure, it's not what i'm gonna listen to get my drink on, but it was served at the right temperature for this film.

On top of that, like i said before, the suspense really got to me, especially for the first half hour, and that's gotta count for something on the rock and roll scale.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

• Alice Sebold (novel)
• Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson (screenplay)

Directed by: Peter Jackson

Starring

Saoirse Ronan - Susie Salmon

Rachel Weisz - Abigail Salmon

Rose McIver - Lindsey Salmon

Carolyn Dando - Ruth

Mark Wahlberg - Jack Salmon

Reece Ritchie - Ray Singh

Bottom Line

Yeah, i'd see it. 'Course i already have, but there ya go.

Bar Stool Review of AGORA

Ramblings: History Is Nothing New

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk with historians? They tell you a rambling story about a lot of crap that happened before you were born. About people you never met. What's worse, there isn't even any nudity or hardly even any babes at all. Or booze! The only dates you can get are the kind with tons of numbers and everyone has these names no one can pronounce, pro'lly not even the parents of the poor bastards who hafta go through their whole lives as "Dude" or "Babe" 'cause no one knows what else to call them. Plus, you can't take them out for a beer because even if you go "Hey You!", there's no bar to take them to anyway. And apparently only one chick in the whole freaking historical town to try to hook up with but she's pro'lly super tired and she's got one of those screwed up names, too. Maybe some people get off drinking with a historian and listening to his story but i was in the dark and there was no spark to make me wanna learn more. Agora was kinda like that.

The thing i wish Alejandro Amenábar (writer and director) woulda done more of is make the struggle among the religions (Paganism, Judaism and Christianity) more fascinating. It doesn't seem like it should be that hard; there are enough battles in Agora but i found the fundamentals a little too simplistic. 'Gayvus' (really it's Davus) wishy washes back and forth and we're not really sure why, and i thought it a stretch that the religious wars which formed the foundation of Christianity were fought over a smart chick.

You know what this movie neeeded? More 300 and less Troy.

History isn't bunk, just boring as hell. The story here is nothing ground breaking, the way of telling it isn't revelatory, the actors do what's expected of them but aren't able to excavate the script from the depths normalcy. Basically, what we've got here is history textbook film making that doesn't get off the page or out of the ground.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1/2 Shot

i'm being nice giving this a half shot but hell, Rachel Weisz (29) is in this and i want her to be the mother of my children. Not that i want more kids, i just want Rachel to come over to my house and take care of the kids i already have because she's cute and it'd be cool to have her as my babysitter.

Before i throw up the shots of her, here's the blow-by-blow:

• Hypatia (Rachel Weisz)---let's call her 'Hippie'---gives Orestes ('Testes') a hankie covered with her menstrual blood so he stops hitting on her
• A Jewish girl gets her clothes ripped off in a riot scene
• Cute actress in a boat arena play [actress not listed, no photos, not my fault]
• Rachel Weisz's eyebrows rock
• Rachel wears her hair up too much in this movie

In addition, we get a rear view of Rachel Weisz getting out of the bath at the beginning. You know what that means? We get to see a Weisz ass. There's another Weisz ass at the end when her clothes are stripped from her.

Here's what i uncovered on the net:

There was also this really hot slave girl. She didn't have any lines but had very striking good looks. i give you Amber Rose Revah (who plays Sidonia---because of all the freaking unpronounceable names, we'll call her Sit-on-ya):

The other problem with this movie was there were tons of guys and only poor little Rachel Weisz / Hippie (and the cameo by Amber Rose Revah / Sit-on-ya).

Here are the guys, for anyone who cares about guys.

Max Minghella (24) plays Davus ('Gayvus').

Oscar Isaac (30) plays Orestes ('Testes'):

Rupert Evans (32), bastard love child of Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis, plays Synesius ('Sinus'):

Sami Samir plays Cyril (it's ok, i can handle 'Cyril') who's like a little baby Jesus all growed up:

Yeah, i know, too many guys. Next time i'll try to see something soft porn so i got more for y'all...

Drink: 0 Shots

Not much at all. Some bishop drinks wine from a golden chalice.

Then Hippie and Testes drink wine and just after, Hippie gets the flash of understanding that made her famous enough to make a movie based on her. See? Drinking will make you famous.

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

It wasn't rock, but Testes played a song on weird flutes that sounded like a mix between an accordion and bagpipes. Yeah, it was that bad.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Alejandro Amenábar, Mateo Gil

Directed by: Alejandro Amenábar

Starring

Rachel Weisz - Hypatia

Amber Rose Revah - Sidonia

Max Minghella - Davus

Oscar Isaac - Orestes

Rupert Evans - Synesius

Sami Samir - Cyril

Bottom Line

Historically interesting if you're interested in history. For normal people: if they're gonna make us watch this stuff, they should at least add some flair to make us care. Hey, it was big in Spain, if that makes a difference for you.