A Bar Stool Review of AVATAR

Yeah, that's right, babes. Check out the date of this post: Dec 17, 2009. Brandi Alexandra and i saw this last night in 3-D here in Paris---a full two days before the US release.

Ramblings: A Brave New World
Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how sometimes you drink with popular people? They're really cool and you want to hate them just because everyone else loves them and says such nice things about them and you wanna be different from the rest of the pack, right? Only problem is, when you hang out with them you occasionally find yourself having a genuinely good time. They're not so bad and they like you and care about what you think and do their best to make you happy. Sure, they're not super intellectual and they end up saying the same boring things all the other popular kids say but at least it's not too irritating and after one more drink you don't have the energy to fight the distaste anymore, so you give up making yourself hate them and let yourself have a good time. That's what it's like with Avatar.

Visually, Avatar is magnificent (and if you have the chance to see it in 3-D, don't pass it up). James Cameron has done a hell of a job creating an entire world down to its minutest detail. The images are stunning, gorgeous, breathtaking and i'm not just talking about one or two scenes. Cameron is able to keep it up for the entire 2 hours and 41 minutes, which is bordering on tantric cinema. You will be blown away.

The actors do their job well enough, especially Zoe Saldana (Uhura in J J Abram's Star Trek) as Neytiri, a native of the planet Pandora that i can't stop talking about how superbly James Cameron created, like God.

Awesome cinematography, solid acting...so why don't i give the film more shots? The script and the story. There are no surprises, just the standard storyline and the required speeches. We even get a hint of conservationism, but thankfully not too much. Just because i like wood, doesn't make me a tree hugger.

All in all, Avatar is a groundbreaking movie. It's nearly 3 hours long and you don't notice the time passing. Avatar is fast paced and highly entertaining, even if you do have to fall victim to the requisite trappings of sci-fi/action.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

If you've never sat for three hours trying to get a glimpse of a blue native's nip slip, then you gotta see Avatar. Kind of like some African tribes, the women go topless except for these annoying feather necklaces that stick to their chests no matter what. Swear to god, the babes could be flying on these pterodactyl type dragons, they could be fighting all kind of crazy robots, they could be hanging upside down from a freakin' tree and still those feathers are clamped on like crabs in a hurricane.

Plus, these natives all have nice tails---no, real tails---that have these sea anemone like tendrils when you pull back the foreskin (tailskin?). But we don't get to see them do any cool stuff with it, just connect it to strange animals to control them. There's an implied sex scene but we don't get to actually see Jake Scully (Sam Worthington) get some Na'vi tail.

Zoe Saldana plays the lead Na'vi chick.

The other hottie in the movie was Michelle Rodriguez. i like Michelle Rodriguez. Her acting range is fairly limited to the tough girl roles, but she has cool hair, a pretty-if-masculine face and small boobs. Most importantly, though, is that the girl knows how to party. i wanna get drunk with Michelle Rodriguez. i wanna get drunk with her, do some crazy things in public, get punched out by her and then get arrested with her. That would be a cool weekend.

You know how i love Brandi Alexandra? Well, she said if i don't put up any Sam Worthington photos (the guy who plays Jake Sully) then the only tail i'm gonna get will have a sea anemone in it.

Drink: 0 Shots

At the beginning of the movie, Jake Sully compares waking up from cryo sleep (or whatever sci-fi geeks are calling it nowadays) to a fifth of tequila and an ass kicking.

Then Dr Grace Augustine (Sigourney Weaver's character) takes a shot of something that must be futuristic Pernod, judging from the bottle. When the going gets tough, the tough get drinking.

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Here's the theme song from the movie. Is it just me, or does it sound like Celine Dion singing a song from The Lion King?

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: James Cameron

Directed by: James Cameron

Starring

Zoe Saldana - Neytiri

Michelle Rodriguez - Trudy Chacon

Sam Worthington - Jake Sully

Sigourney Weaver - Dr Grace Augustine

Bottom Line

See it. Especially in 3-D.