Ramblings: New Moon Bites Then Sucks
Final Proof: 1½ Shots
You know how you drink with vampires? A new one comes into the bar every minute and there are so many of them because people will always want to be accepted and they figure if they join a vampire clique they'll be automatically cool. What they don't realize is every group has losers and leaders, the ins and the outs, the cool and the cold. An ass in a vampire costume is not hip, just an anemic in a black suit. Some vampires suck and others suck. The Twilight Saga: New Moon sucks, even if it is a vampire movie.Have i told you i'm a vampire? Yeah, i don't talk about it much but i'm among friends here. i'm not the kind of vampire that puts on makeup, drinks Bloody Marys and wears my dead heart on my sleeve as i sulk around twisting my soul all day. i'm the kind of vampire that'll get you drunk and suck your innocence right out of you. Point being, i'm more generous with vampire movies than any other genre. The problem is, New Moon isn't a vampire movie, it's a teen romance. Twilight School Musical without the music.
Even Brandi Alexandra hated it, and she never hates movies.
i'm not gonna drive a stake in New Moon. Making fun of the tragic script, pale special effects and acting that basically boils down to one facial expression shot at different angles for over 2 hours is just too easy for my mad skills. Instead, i'd like to address all the younger vampires who have just walked into the bar.
Kids, vampires are alcoholics. They both need to drink to live, live mostly at night, are social outcasts labelled as monsters, feel like crap in the morning, have difficulties in relationships with those who are not of our kind... If you really want to be a vampire, the best way to start is to step up to the bar and let me pour you a glass of blood red wine.
Before we go deeper into the Den of Iniquity, i'm gonna have to card Dakota Fanning here. At 15, she's jailbait, but does a better job with her brief appearance than any of the others she shares the screen with.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
No nudity in the movie. Nothing even approaching nudity. Nothing even thinking about having a layover in the same country as nudity. Honestly, the hottest thing about this movie is knowing that Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning kiss each other in the upcoming film, The Runaways (due out next year).
The New Moon talent is in the beauty, not on the screen. So go ahead and enjoy these pictures for free instead of shelling out 10 bones to see 2+ hours of crap.
Kristen Stewart has this great mouth with Cupid bow lips, and i also like her voice, which is pretty raspy for a 19-year-old. Imagine how cool she'll sound when she starts smoking and drinking whiskey older than she is...
Kristen Stewart Let's Me Know What She Thinks Of My Review
Anna Kendrick plays Jessica, Bella's high school friend. Kristen Stewart is 19 tears old, playing an 18-year-old. Anna, however, is 24 but looks cute dressing up like a teenager.
- The other high school friend is 19-year-old Christian Serratos:Ashley Greene (22) plays a Cullen kid vampire, Alice.Rachelle Lefevre (30) is the badass vampire Victoria:The fact that i don't remember her or her character (Rosalie Hale) neither prevents Nikki Reed (21) from being in the movie or me from posting a pic:Ready For the Bar None
Finally, a silken butterfly. Model Noot Seear makes a brief appearance as Heidi, a chick who leads tourists to slaughter. Here's to hoping we see lots more of her:In keeping with the repeated requests from the female patrons, i believe there were some guys in this movie.
Robert Pattinson:
And another guy named Taylor Lautner:
Shirt On
Shirt Off
Drink: 0 shots
The word 'beer' is pronounced once in the movie, when a motorcycle hood tries to pick up Bella.
Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots
The soundtrack is pretty decent, and fills out something like this...The trippy thing is, i'm not a huge Robert Pattinson fan because the only gift he has for acting is his good looks. Imagine my surprise (and chagrin), then, when i found out he's an extremely talented singer. On top of that, i love the style of song he sings. It makes me feel like a teenage girl to say i'm a Rob Pattinson (he bills himself as 'Rob' when it's for singing) fan, but there you have it. We can't choose the music we like... Let me know what you think.- Death Cab For Cutie - Meet Me On The Equinox
- Band Of Skulls - Friends
- Thom Yorke - Hearing Damage
- Lykke Li - Possibility
- The Killers - A White Demon Love Song
- Anya Marina - Satellite Heart
- Muse - I Belong To You [New Moon Remix]
- Bon Iver & St. Vincent - Rosyln
- Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Done All Wrong
- Hurricane Bells - Monsters
- Sea Wolf - The Violet Hour
- Ok Go - Shooting The Moon
- Grizzly Bear (with Victoria Legrand) - Slow Life
- Editors - No Sound But The Wind
- Alexandre Desplat - New Moon (The Meadow)
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Stephenie Meyer (the novel)
Melissa Rosenberg (the screenplay)
Directed by: Chris Weitz
Starring
Kristen Stewart - Bella Swan
Anna Kendrick - Jessica
Christian Serratos - Angela
Ashley Greene - Alice Cullen
Rachelle Lefevre - Victoria
Nikki Reed - Rosalie Hale
Dakota Fanning - Jane
Noot Seear - Heidi
Robert Pattinson - Edward
Bottom Line
Don't see it.
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