Bar Stool Review Of CHLOE

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Great Lake Swimmers - Your Rocky Spine

Ramblings: Chloeeek
Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with flirts? They're cool because they make you feel all special and wanted and they're attractive because they attract; they attract you with these implicit promises of how special they're gonna be for you. It's in the little attentions that no one else gives you like how they look you in the eye when they talk or brush their fingers across your hand when they pass you the drink they paid for or how they only wanna talk about you. They make you think it's all about you until you realize it's not, it's always been all about them and they only care about themselves and how you feel about them. That's when you realize they're not as hot as they seem, just some shallow flirt with no heart. Chloe is kinda like that.

Imagine you're a woman. You think your husband's cheating on you and you find a suspicious message on his phone and he's very elusive and is a total flirt. Do you confront him? Of course not. You hire a prostitute to flirt with him and see if he takes the bait. Yeah, the whole movie was pretty much this kind of ridiculous. Maybe because it was based on a French film.

On the bright side, it had Julianne Moore who is a cool man's Meryl Streep. Even if her part is lame, she's able to make it walk and often make it sing. The rest of the movie, as Brandi Alexandra says, is pretty much intellectual pornography. Don't get me wrong, this is not a bad thing, just don't hope for anything more. Like i said, Chloe is a flirt that shows you enough skin to get you interested but in the end only cares about being liked.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

If the movie is thinker's porn, then you gotta expect some action here and Chloe delivers. Finally a movie that doesn't shy away from a little nudity.

Get there in time for the opening credits, when we get Amanda Seyfried dressing in front of this antique mirror. Chloe looked good on Amanda, as Chloe spends a lot of time naked and near-naked. We also get a girl-on-girl kiss between Chloe and Catherine Stewart (Julianne Moore), before Chloe and Catherine go all the way. There's a shot of her and her butt in a mirror, wait let me find it, there it is, and a lot of side boob.

Here's something i like. Her mouth. She has the coolest mouth and i have my fingers crossed those lips are the real thing because kissing plastic is like licking a condom. If her mouth is authentic, her lips are full and plump as cupid's butt. One of the things that got up Brandi Alexandra's nose was all the close-ups, but i didn't mind 'em so much because it meant i got to stare at my share of the lusciousness. Here's a shot of that mouth, so you can judge for yourselves.

For the rest of the shots, i've decided to follow Brandi's advice and just stick a collage here. If you're looking for full shots, i'll serve those up at the bottom of the post so they don't get in the way of the wit. Gotta always be thinking about the wit. Amanda Seyfried (24):

Like i said, i'll post the individual shots of her at the bottom of this puppy.

There was also Julianne Moore (still smoking at 49!) as Catherine Stewart. Ahhh, Julianne Moore. Talented, beautiful and naked. In one scene we get to see her body as she gets off in the shower while fantasizing about Chloe giving her husband a handjob in a greenhouse. She's also topless while doing the deed with Amanda toward the end of the movie. This is another moment when you're happy the director decide to overdo close-ups.

There's another thing i love about Julianne apart from her body and acting and her acting with her body: her freckles. Her freckles are constellations splashed across milky skin, holding the secrets of my future and my past upon which i gaze to find romance.

As if that weren't enough, we also get a near nip slip when she wakes up in her wife-beater pajamas, that she then walks around in braless. Finally, a real woman who sleeps without a bra. (If you haven't read my rant about movies with women who sleep wearing bras, then this won't make much sense.)

You'll find her indie shots at the bottom of the post.

Silken Butterflies

Kicking off those young starlettes whose brief appearances left me thirsty for more we have Nina Dobrev (21) who plays the son's (Michael Stewart, played by Max Thieriot) girlfriend. Your heart will skip a beat as she runs down the hall, hoping to hide from Mike's mom.

If you want another round, there are more Nina pictures at the end of this.

No less charming was Meghan Heffern (26). This hottie played Miranda, the student who flirts with her professor, David Stewart (Liam Neeson). Makes me want to be a college teacher.

You'll find more of her at the bottom...

There also was Tiffany Lyndall-Knight, who played Trina. "Trina" is scribbled in my notes but i have no idea who she was in the movie. Still, i sure as hell remember how good the Knight was.

Speaking of co-eds, Krysta Carter (24) plays "Young Co-Ed". Mmmmmm, young co-ed. Krysta, babe, i've got my fingers crossed that we see a lot more of you in the future...

For those of you who prefer stalks to stalkers, i have Liam Neeson (47). He was a little flat as David Syewart, but you gotta cut him some slack because his wife died while he was filming Chloe. She had her ski accident and he had to leave the set to be with her, and after she tragically died, his role was rewritten to give him less screen time. He came back for two days to finish the filming.

Drink: 2 Shots


So yeah, there wasn't tons of booze but enough references and the fact they said what they were drinking was nice. Also i got to learn about a wine that was new to me: Maybach. Apparently car people know it 'cause it's a famous kind of Mercedes, but the family also owns a vineyard in the Napa valley. It'll cost you $55 - $300 bones. This explains why it was new to me. What do you expect from the Mercedes family?

• Champagne at the surprise birthday party
• Scotch [Glenfiddich] for birthday
• [David] flirts with waitress by asking her what she drinks---it's Maybach wine
• [The girls drink] Chardonnay in the whore bar
• [David] drinks the scotch [Catherine] got him
• Wine in the café when [Chloe] tells [Catherine] how she gave [David] a handjob
• Cognac in the café with her husband

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots



The movie was made in Toronto and so there were the Canadian Silken Butterflies (Krysta and Tiffany are from Toronto, Meghan is from Edmonton) and a lot of Canadian Indie music as well. The Great Lake Swimmers are Torontonian and the film's "central group", Raised By Swans, are Londoners---the one in Ontario.

i call Raised By Swans the "central group" because Chloe gives Michael one of their CD's, he tries to learn a song of theirs, their song "We Were Never Young" is playing in the whore bar when Catherine and Chloe meet, and "Longer Shadows, Shorter Days" is what Michael's listening to when his mom comes home.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Raised By Swans - We Were Never Young

It's not rock & roll, but it's not bad for what it is.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Anne Fontaine (motion picture Nathalie)

Erin Cressida Wilson (screenplay)

Directed by: Atom Egoyan

Starring

Julianne Moore - Catherine Stewart

Amanda Seyfried - Chloe

Nina Dobrev - Anna

Meghan Heffern - Miranda

Tiffany Lyndall-Knight - Trina

Liam Neeson - David Stewart

Bottom Line

Don't see it. Wait for the DVD and watch it in the privacy of your own home with a twelve-pack and a fresh bottle of lotion.

Bonus Rounds

Amanda Seyfried

Julianne Moore

Nina Dobrev

Meghan Heffern

A Bar Stool Review of THE PRIVATE LIVES OF PIPPA LEE

i Regret That She Had But One Life To Give

Ramblings: The Lives Of Pippa Lee's Privates (Porn Title)

Final Proof: 1½ Shots

You know how sometimes you drink with chicks and there's this one babe who's pretty enough and she starts talking about her life and makes you believe she's had this wild existence because she believes it so much? So you buy her another Cosmopolitan (and that shoulda been your first sign) and she reveals all these deep, dark secrets and you feel a little tenderness at the beginning because it's cute how she thinks these episodes from her life are so fascinating even if they're more common than beer rings on paper coasters but after a while you start to tire of her going on and on about her 'insane multiple lives' when you've lived more most weekends. That's kinda what The Private Lives of Pippa Lee is like.

You know me and how sensitive i am, right? i feel kind of bad about trashing this movie because the book and screenplay were written by the director, Rebecca Miller, which means it's pro'lly autobiographical. Look, 'Becca (can i call you 'Becca?) i'm not knocking your life. i'm glad you've enjoyed so much success telling people about it but, babe, there's only one 'life' here and there isn't much living in that one.

Plus, i hate Keanu Reeves. Always have. He can't act. He could fake it in Matrix because Neo is a character who has the personality of someone who doesn't know how to act. But man, Keanu in a real movie? Makes you wish you had a case of whatever Kenneth Branagh was drinking when he tapped Kan'ya for Much Ado About Nothing. Anyway, K-boy drags this movie down in a big way and it wasn't even that far up there to begin with.

i will raise a glass to Blake Lively, however, who has a richer role here than in Gossip Girl and doesn't disappoint. Another drink to Alan Arkin who is like good whiskey: the older he gets, the better he is.

The other thing i liked was how much smoking there was in this movie. Pippa (Robin Wright Penn) and Young Pippa (Blake Lively) both smoke Marlboro Lights and there's something about close-ups of a girl smoking that really flare my hot box. The only minor disappointment was that Blake Lively is obviously not a smoker and was just going through the motions. A real smoker can tell.

As for the rest of the movie: it's slow, uneven and doesn't end at the right time. That's Life.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

i gotta give it something considering the sheer quantity of female glory that strolls through this thing...

Ironically, the only nude scene isn't the hottest part of the movie. It's by Christin Sawyer Davis who plays Shelly, Julianne Moore's lesbian lover. She undresses before getting into a sexy photo shoot (think Blake Lively in a pony tail and frilly diaper pretending to be a baby in a playpen or wearing a French maid's outfit with a leash). Here's a scene with Shelly spanking Young Pippa (Blake Lively):

Julianne Moore isn't in the film long but rocks as Kat, Pippa's aunt's lover. There is a nice girl/girl kiss between Kat (Moore) and Aunt Trish (Robin Weigert). The other nice part is that Kat never wears a bra and struts around the apartment in a tight knit thingy (ask a woman if you names for clothes). Kinda like this:

My other beautiful surprise in this film was seeing Winona Ryder again. Sure, she had a brief appearance in Star Trek (2009) but that was just a teaser to remind me of the days my cousin and i walked around singing (to the tune of "My Sharona"): Na na nanana Na Na nanana Na Na nanana My Winona!

Anyway, i was thrilled to see how truly beautiful she is, but even more, to see how excellent her performance was as Pippa's friend, Sandra. She was truly the funniest and most fun thing about the movie. Here are some shots of our little girl growing up:

Coming back to Blake Lively...

S'all Right, Babe. i Got Your Back.

 The movie stars Robin Wright Penn:

Finally, there was a surprise appearance by Monica Bellucci as Herb Lee's wife, Gigi Lee. Her role was short but she looked good filling it. Here's what i mean:

For Brandi Alexandra and any other women who have wandered into the bar...

Drink: 2 Shots

A quick 'rum through' of the notes i scribbled during the movie:

• The movie starts with a red wine toast at dinner to an editor and his wife, Pippa Lee.
• A bottle of red as a present at a party.
• Vodka martinis at a party.
• Young Pippa does cartwheels on the beach and hits from a wine bottle (red).
• Champagne at the divorce meeting and a drink to 'transformation'.

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

There's a song that young Pippa dances to in her room while on speed and i think it's "Still To Be Painted" by Pitcher's Pony but i can't find the song or confirmation.

There's a Dusty Springfield song ("I'll Love You For A While") but i can't scrape that up either.

Lucinda Williams' "I Lost It", rolls during the credits.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Rebecca Miller

Directed by: Rebecca Miller

Starring

Robin Wright Penn - Pippa Lee

Blake Lively - Young Pippa

Winona Ryder - Sandra Dulles

Julianne Moore - Kit

Monica Bellucci - Gigi Lee

Christin Sawyer Davis - Shelly

Alan Arkin - Herb Lee

Bottom Line

Don't see it, not even to score 'Chick Flick' points because chances are she won't like it either.