Bar Stool Review Of SHUTTER ISLAND

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Dinah Washington & Max Richter - This Bitter Earth

[Press 'Play' for something that's nowhere near rock, but will be the most beautiful thing you hear today]

Ramblings: Shudder Island

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you get drunk on Jägermeister in some back alley bar in the bad part of town? The bar is sinister, the people are ominous, the Jäger is dark and a somber buzz descends down on you beautifully, settles into you with macabre intensity that feeds the nightmares running rampant across the vista of your dreamscape. The visions are intense hallucinations as stunning as they are scary, as graceful as grisly, as magnificent as menacing. You're frightened but not afraid because the boatman leading you down your stream of subconsciousness steers with a deft hand and shows you all the stupefying sights before gently guiding you home. Shutter Island is like that.


Just like those magic bar nights that seem to come together serendipitously, all the key elements needed for perfection came together to make an incredible film. Based on a book by Dennis Lehane, a writer who takes thrillers to a whole new level by placing rich and developed characters in extreme situations, the movie was directed by a Martin Scorsese who has been able to hone the edge of his early work into something sharper and more brilliant. Add to the mix Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo, two solid actors who sweeten the pot, and you end up with a Jäger bomb that is.

With incredibly shot landscapes and striking images that spark the slowburn intensity into open flames, it's hard to find things not to like about this movie. If you're looking for a foreboding Jäger buzz without the hangover but with all the hallucinations, Shutter Island deserves a shot.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

The good nudes is, there was nudity. The bad nudes is, it wasn't Michelle Williams, Emily Mortimer, or Nellie Sciutto---it was crazy ass people in an insane asylum and let's just say there aren't any hotties in the nut house 'cause hot people drive us crazy.

The first hottie on my list is Michelle Williams (29). She plays Dolores, Teddy Daniel's (Leonardo DiCaprio) flashback wife. The nice thing about her portrayal is she doesn't push it over the top, a mistake it woulda been all to easy to do with this role.

After that, we got Emily Mortimer (38) as Rachel 1. She's Rachel 1, because she is #1.

There was also a Silken Butterfly (a beautiful vision that flies too briefly across the silver screen) in the form of one Nellie Sciutto who plays Nurse Marino. Here's to hoping we see lots more of her.

For those of you who prefer bars to padded cells [get it? padded "cells"---ah give me a break, like you pay for this crap] i got some Leonardo DiCaprio (35) who played Teddy Daniels.

Leo Drinking With Tom Collins

Here's Mark Ruffalo, who looked sharp as Chuck Aule, Teddy's 'partner' (not in the gay way).

Drink: 2 Shots

• [Ben] Kingsley [as Dr Cawley] drinks cognac at home
• Ruffalo drinks Rye
• Leo doesn't drink
• [Max] Von Sydow [as Dr Naehring] drinks whiskey
• Leo was an alcoholic in a dream sequence
• Dicaprio is a cool smoker
• Great cigarette movie
• Smokin' Luckies

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

Yeah, OK, this movie wasn't a "rock and roll" movie. No rock in the soundtrack and not really in the attitude, but maybe one of the things that impressed me the most about this movie was that it didn't need rock and roll to be cool.



Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Dennis Lehane (Book)

Laeta Kalogridis (Screenplay)

Directed by: Martin Scorsese

Starring

Michelle Williams - Dolores

Emily Mortimer - Rachel Solando 1

Nellie Sciutto - Nurse Marino

Leonardo DiCaprio - Teddy Daniels

Mark Ruffalo - Chuck Aule

Bottom Line

This will become known as a major film in Scorsese's works, don't miss it.

Bar Stool Review Of SHERLOCK HOLMES

Ramblings: Sherlock Homely

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you drink in strip clubs ? The action is good, the show is nice and the talent is there. You get a few drinks in you, you get a couple lap daces, you get your money's worth of entertainment but then you gotta take a leak and in walkin' back to the bathroom you see it out of the corner of your eyes, you feel it. Once you get away from the show you there's nothing but shadow and smoke: shadows under the curled edges of the tattered carpets and the stale smoke of other strangers' cigarettes. 'Cause at these kind of clubs, they do all right with the show but they ignore the little things that make it real. That's what Sherlock Holmes is like.



Any movie with Robert Downey Jr can never be a total waste. He was born, bred and is now the Mayor of Cool Town. Unfortunately Guy Ritchie hamstrung him by getting sloppy in the little scenes, those little segments that move the story along. We also get a Rachel McAdams who's a little flat, and i'm not talking about her bodice size. Jude Law comes away from this whole thing looking pretty good, though, which made me feel all the worse for Bobby. It's like Guy told Downey Jr to leave his trademark dry wit in the 20th century when coming to make this movie. Oh yeah, 'cause i didn't tell you but this movie is set around 1870 and you know how much period pieces make me burp barf up my nose a little.

Strangely enough, though, the look was the best thing about the film. Shots of the Tower of London under construction, St Paul's titty looming grey in front of a blue metal sky, the wet cobblestone and costumes gave the film a cool sheen. And the action scenes were well-handled, as were those times when Holmes recites an entire person's life after just seeing them for 5 minutes. Nah, my problem wasn't with the big stuff.

Another minor thing i'm gonna rant about, though, is the ending. It's one of those endings that look like a puzzle piece, and not a smooth edge piece, either. The ending was like a piece with a round jobby sticking way out and you can tell just by looking at it exactly what the next piece will look like. And then you realize the puzzle isn't really worth finishing because the picture isn't all that good anyway. The only thing missing from the ending here was a huge lit up orange highway sign that flashed, CAUTION: SEQUEL over and over again.

Like i keep saying, Ritchie overlooked what Holmes never would have: the little things.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

So i wasn't too impressed with Rachel McAdams (31) performance as Irene Adler. Ritchie didn't help things any by only giving her one small shot at a flash while she was changing, but then ruined it by severing her chest with the bottom of the screen.

Still, i invented a drinking game with Rachel McAdams' moles.

The Rachel McAdams Drinking Game

Rules:

1. Whenever you see Mole #1, drink a sip of beer
2. Whenever you see both Moles #1 & #2, take a gulp of beer
3. Whenever you see Mole #3, drink a shot of your favorite hard aclohol
4. Whenever you see Moles #1, #2 and #3 together, drink a shot and a beer chaser

For those who want to see the above picture without all the #s...

Here are the rest of the shots:

Rachel McAdams Drinking With Tom Collins

Playing the role of Mary Morstan, Watson's fiancée, is Kelly Reilly (32).

There was a Silken Butterfly flitting oh so sweetly yet briefly across the screen at the beginning. This is Amanda Grace Johnson (22), who is the Young Woman Sacrifice.

For those of you who prefer Towers to Domes here's Robert Downey Jr (who's fit as hell for 44).

And this is Jude Law, who still knows how to party at 37.

Jude Law Drinking With Tom Collins

Drink: 1 Shot

While alcohol didn't play a big part in the plot, there were quite a few alcohol scenes:

• Holmes gets wine thrown at him after he debriefs Mary during a restaurant dinner with her and Watson
• Holmes hits from a spectator's flask during the boxing match (where we see how truly fit the shirtless (and now sober) Downey Jr really is)
• After he wins the match he grabs a wine bottle from a rack and pulls out the cork with his teeth
• Holmes drinks laced Margaux 1858 with Irene
• Holmes and the captain are drunk on wine while steaming down the Thames
• Holmes takes a drink of something hallucinogenic while performing a satanic ritual
• Lord Coward (Hans Matheson) drinks whiskey neat

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

Yeah, not surprisingly, Holmes didn't rock out. There was a boner during the end credits, though, where Ritchie chose to place "The Rocky Road To Dublin" by the Dubliners. Yeah, English - Irish, it's all the same thing, right?

Tell you what, though, i will give the movie and rock and roll shot for the well-shot action sequences.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Michael Robert Johnson, Anthony Peckham, Simon Kinberg (screenplay)

Lionel Wigram, Michael Robert Johnson (screen story)

Directed by: Guy Ritchie

Starring

Robert Downey Jr - Sherlock Holmes

Rachel McAdams - Irene Adler

Kelly Reilly - Mary Morstan

Amanda Grace Johnson - Young Woman Sacrifice

Jude Law - Dr John Watson

Bottom Line

See it, but only because Susan Downey (Robert's wife that he went on the wagon for) was one of the producers and she was good for Robert. Anything that's good for someone who was good for Robert is gonna be good for you, too.

Bar Stool Review Of THE LOVELY BONES

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: This Mortal Coil (w/ Elizabeth Fraser of The Cocteau Twins) - Song To The Siren [Tim Buckley cover]

[Press 'Play' for ambiance]

Ramblings: [i will not say Lovely Boner, i will not say Lovely Boner, i will not say...]

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink with psychos? i mean, there are psychos and there are psychos. The first kind is no problem 'cause they come in sporting a suit of rotting fish, pick a fight right away and get thrown out faster than you can say "Is that a spoon in your hair or are you missing a shoe?" That's not the kind of psycho i'm talking about here. i'm talkin' about the kind of guy who looks cool and talks cool but every once in a long while he mutters a strange aside that makes you wonder. And the way he looks at you makes you wonder so you get tense and drink less than you wanted 'cause you feel like you gotta be on your guard at all times so this guy doesn't jab cocktail umbrellas into your eye sockets while you're scoping out the young talent surrounding you. He's a weird one all right. Off kilter enough like you're always looking at him through a half-empty bottle and just by existing makes you feel guilty for being human. Yeah, The Lovely Bones is kinda like that.

i gotta say i liked The Lovely Bones. The problem Peter Jackson has is that geeks aren't gonna like this because there aren't any hobbits in it and film buffs are gonna slag it 'cause the dude made three whole freakin' Lord Of The Rings movies and a King Kong to boot. But hell, if you don't know who Peter Jackson is or don't hate on him for having more money than you'll ever see in three lifetimes, then you should see this.

There's a lot here to like. The actors really flesh out their parts, with special props to the young Saoirse Ronan who assures in her role as the murdered teen, and Stanley Tucci who freaked the crap out of me. Also, normally The Bar None is against credit but i'll give it where it's due and tonight it's due to Peter Jackson. He took some risks when filming the nether region and i thought he pulled it off damn well.

For example, it's a well-established fact that i hate movies with violence against women, but the way it's treated here is so suspenseful that it made me kinda sick. Sure, it's an unpleasant sensation but what i'm saying is that he was able to make me feel something rather than just sit there thinking he was an asshole for making a movie about hurting young ladies.

Don't get me wrong, i didn't love everything here. Some of the long passages were long and the movie kinda loses direction a little in the middle. There is one WTF moment that bugged me so much i woulda yelled at the screen if i'd been drunk and plus this is another one of those movies that keeps ending. You think it's over, nope, one more scene. Done? One more ending. Ok? Just one more. It's like that guy at the end of the bar who says he's leaving and is on his third 'last drink'.

Maybe you read the book but i don't read anything longer than bottle labels so i can't compare it to the novel. What i can tell you is that The Lovely Bones is more suspense/thriller than it is a literary film.

Before we move on to the next section---and you knew this was gonna happen so stop your whining---i gotta card Saoirse Ronan (who apparently pronounces her first name SAIR-sheh) 'cause at 15 the babe is really only a babe and, unlike the psycho nut job in the movie, i'm all about age appropriateness in The Bar None. (But check out her eyes! You won't believe me, but Brandi Alexandra has the exact shade of infinity blue in her eyes, too.)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Guess what. No nudity. Yeah, yeah, i know, not my fault. Anyway, with the theme of the movie, any kinda nudity here would be as unwelcome as a stripper at a bris. Which doesn't mean we can't have hot babes, thank goddess.

Case in point, i get to exposé Rachel Weisz just a few days after doing her in Agora.

Starring as Lindsey Salmon, the younger sister, we got New Zealander Rose McIver. Is is just me or is it weird that we got a 22-year-old playing a 15-year-old's younger sister?

Finally, another Kiwi, but this one is a newcomer. Meet Carolyn Dando (21) who plays Ruth, the dark friend who sees dead people. (Clicking the link will take you to her webpage.)

For those of you who prefer bones to tissue, i got some Mark Wahlberg (38) action for ya:

What the h*ll is this?

Now that's more like it!

This here's Reece Ritchie (23):

Drink: 1 Shot

The only character that does any drinking here is Susan Sarandon as the alcoholic grandmother. i'll give her a shot for that but no more 'cause i'm still pissed at her for dumpin' my man Tim Robbins for younger meat. (And i'll apologize profusely and offer you a drink on the house if any of y'all got more time than i do to find out if i got the story wrong.)

• Grandma drinks Jim Beam, brings a fifth to take care of daughter
• Drinks whiskey with ice
• [She drinks from a ] Bottle of Crown Royal (?) in grandson's room; calls booze 'medicine'
• [She] Drinks cooking sherry when she's out of booze
• SS chain smokes

Rock & Roll: 2 ½ Shots

Here's another 'rocker' from the juiced-box and the soundtrack (y'all gotta remember the movie's set in the '70s, k?): Dave Edmunds - I Hear You Knocking



i'm being generous with my shots here, but i got my reasons. There's no real rock here, other than what i've already posted, but the other tunes (Cocteau Twins, This Mortal Coil, Brian Eno) suited the mood. Brian Eno wrote the original music as well and also included "1/1" from Music For Airports. Sure, it's not what i'm gonna listen to get my drink on, but it was served at the right temperature for this film.

On top of that, like i said before, the suspense really got to me, especially for the first half hour, and that's gotta count for something on the rock and roll scale.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

• Alice Sebold (novel)
• Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson (screenplay)

Directed by: Peter Jackson

Starring

Saoirse Ronan - Susie Salmon

Rachel Weisz - Abigail Salmon

Rose McIver - Lindsey Salmon

Carolyn Dando - Ruth

Mark Wahlberg - Jack Salmon

Reece Ritchie - Ray Singh

Bottom Line

Yeah, i'd see it. 'Course i already have, but there ya go.